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Trapped in a prison.
Of your own making.
You know that no one will help you.
Because you have done this to yourself
At least, that's what you tell yourself.
It doesn't matter that they bullied you.
It doesn't matter that they didn't see the bruises.
It doesn't matter that they weren't home to hear the crying.
And that prison is not made of bricks.
And not made wood or metal or even of plastic.
It's made of mental barriers.
Stronger than concrete walls and barb wire.
There is no combination for your lock.
The key has been thrown away so long ago you wonder if it ever existed.
Your isolation is so complete that you can't even interact with others.
You say a random "Hello!" here and a muffled "How are you?" there.
But nothing on a personal level.
The one person who could help you is long gone.
And they only helped to lay down the foundations of the place your in now.
And so now,
The UnknownWhere my heart used to be.
There is a black space of longing
It yearns for something.
I can feel it.
Like a pull on my lungs.
I can't breath.
Is this how I will die?
Suffocating from my own black, endless want.
What is it that I long for?
What could this need be?
This need that is so consuming...
I can barely stand it.
It haunts me.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I'm restless all the time.
My heart, or my lack of one, is devouring my soul.
It's like a black hole,
Sucking in everything that makes me human.
My compassion is gone.
Eventually I will be a shell.
Only going through the motions of life.
Never getting close to anyone.
Marveling at my sad being.
What has become of me?
I don't feel anything.
Except for the hunger.
My purpose now is to fill the hole where my heart once was.
What a pitiful existence.
Laugh Now, Cry LaterLaugh now.
So they dont see how it hurts.
So they dont know how it gets to you.
That their words are like knives.
Making you want to loose your cool.
The respect that you worked so hard for stripped away.
Making you want to shout and cry and hide.
Laugh now so that they are rendered insignificant.
So that they dont matter.
Even as they kill you.
Starting with your self-confidence, your pride.
Next your reputation, with rumors from the Devil's tongue.
Slowly eating away at your friends.
And then your sleep.
And then you cut.
Or do drugs.
Arent they insignificant?
What happened to you?
Did they strip away your soul along with your dignity?
But you still laugh.
Acting as if you dont hide scars under your sleeves.
Acting as if your still all that for defying them.
So go ahead.
But I know and you know and everyone else that has happened upon a piece of your forgotten soul knows.
That you will always cry later.
In a dark corner.
Or a closet.
BlissIn between the shadows,
When you slip into the cracks.
Into emotions that physically stagger the strongest people.
Into a blackness of hate.
Between love and friendship.
Between desire and jealousy.
Between eye contact.
Between clasped hands.
Beyond all darkness.
Beyond all light.
A heart that doesnt feel.
Ears that dont hear.
Eyes that dont seak.
Hands that dont touch.
A mind that is trapped.
Not in a hospital ward.
Not in a prison.
But in itself.
It doesnt know if what it's hiding from is good. Or bad.
Or if it is neutral.
But the signs are there.
The signs of preditor or pray?
Unlike any other.
But what is it?
Why not find out?
And why not hide forever?
In a cacoon of safety.
Or a cacoon of fear.
It doesnt matter which.
As long as the thing goes away...
Or you can explore.
Find something worth living for.
Discover something you've never had.
AloneMy friends aren't my friends.
My family doesn't care.
My bullies taunt me.
My best friend is hypocritical and critisizes me too much.
I eat to much.
Suck it up.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes it doesn't love.
Yet when she has problems, I cant pay enough attention to her.
She expects me to say kind things and sympathize.
Anything I can do to make it better?
I am friends with stupid adicts who go through boyfriends like T-shirts.
With naive girls who should know how to grow up by now.
With a sister who cuts herself and wont admit it.
With people who use pain as sport.
My stepdad drinks to much and my real dad hasn't talked to me in years.
My Grandma tells me to loose weight then talks about un-holy gays are, oblivious to the fact that I am one.
Understanding others is a chal
Why Not?Why Not?
Why not die so u dont have to feel pain?
Because you're a coward.
Why not love so you dont have to be alone?
Because your afraid of being hurt.
Why not live so that you have a good life?
Because you're a cripple in your mind.
Why not behave so that you stay out of trouble?
Because you're begging for attention.
Why don't I do these things?
Because I'm just like you.
Alone, afraid, and retarded.
I'm begging for attention, just like you.
I'm a cripple in my own mind, just like you.
I'm afraid of being hurt, just like you.
And I'm a coward.
Silent GiantsWe start out as nothing but a seed.
And then as we become older,
And we figure out where we come from,
And we develop of sense of self,
A sense of community,
We slowly start to dig our roots.
Our connection to where we came from,
An indicator of who we are going to be.
And even as we are grounding ourselves,
We are reaching out.
To new experiences,
We branch out and become great.
And as we grow older and reliable,
People start to depend on us more.
We hide nests in our branches.
And we provide shade to those who need it.
We witness kisses and murder.
We are silent giants.
Protecting and hindering.
We wear our scars for the rest of our lives.
The stump of a sick branch,
A love etched in to your heart,
The burn of past regrets.
But you keep growing.
A new leaf every day,
A new branch every week,
A foot grown every year,
We stop growing eventually of course.
Physically that is.
But even as you're struck by lightning,
Or chopped down,
You still live on.
Free Fall. Where's The Bottom?Floating?
No not floating,
Through all the pain.
All the sorrow.
All the bad things in life.
This isn't what dying is supposed to be like.
Where's the tunnel?
With the light at the end?
Where is my life flashing before my eyes?
The good times.
Not just the bad.
And they're not flashing.
As I fall I see it.
Every minute of torture.
Experience it all.
My first school harassment.
When I became the tormentor.
The next bully.
And the next.
My so-called friends.
And when I get...
To the moment when it all Ends...
I start over.
From begining to end.
When does it stop?
When do I get to the bottom of this Hole.
This Trench of memory.
Maybe I don't...
And that scares me.
It terrifies me.
Just pulsing through my veins.
Is this Hell?
Does that last moment really matter,
If there was a lifetime of suffering before it?
Such a variety of ways it can be done.
There are others that I dont care to name.
What has made people over years and years take their own lives?
The people who do this usually feel like they have no choice.
And maybe they dont.
Maybe they are so trapped in a prison of their own making that they feel they have no way out of it but death.
Maybe someone has dealt bad hands through out their whole life and dont want to wait to see what fate has in store for them next.
Maybe they are just scared.
Scared of what ever lies beyond what they have known.
Maybe when they find out whats beyond they decide it isnt worth what they thought it was.
Maybe they have always been like this.
Maybe they have always had a suicidal impulse.
Maybe their fighting it ever day.
Maybe their like me.
Running On Fumes
Exhaustion, Oh my limbs, my body whole.
What they feel that my heart does not.
I just wish to return to my place of slumber,
where what is dreamt came make me regret.
The cold sweat is the moment I awaken...
Knowing nothing, and remembering little.
Hunger, my belly for fulfillment so sweet...
The theory behind so many burdens,
the many weights on these weary shoulders,
That I have ever called my own.
And now my knees are my feet,
covered with the hoof prints of a dead horse.
Tell me God, the Creator in a Kingdom his own...
Tell me of my purpose in the method you wish...
Tell me once more if not a million times...
As for this all, the new and unwanted-
I have no push left in me...For this---
I feel nothing...
Only In Ink...With eyes like gold
That lure and glow
Full of secrets
I'll never know
With a voice so melodic
That drags me in
And an embrace so warming
My head starts to spin
With unfaltering grace
And a flawless stroll
And oh, those eyes
That bore into my soul
They pull me in
And I'm unable to think
How can I love someone
Who exists only in ink
ForgetMaybe this gun to my head will make me forget
Maybe this razor that bites deep into my flesh will make me forget
Help me forget
Beat me until i can no longer think
Cut me until the pain is all i can feel
Fucking help me forget
My flower is now dead
They have all left me
Each flower petal floating in the wind has their faces on it
The faces of those who have left me
They have long ago rotted away
So what is now floating in the breeze
Just my memories
SkyLook up in the sky
See the stars that fly up so high
Raise your wings a black sheath
Feel yourself shake like a leaf
Finally you get to recliam the stars
Join the 7 planets like jupiter and mars
I wish i may
I wis i might
On the first star i see tonight
I wish for someone to love me and be with me
For someone within me, to be able to see
But nobody wants to be mine
So im stuck forever to walk this lonely little line
This little girl.There once was a girl who cried murder,
she did this everywhere she went.
Her eyes could only see demons,
Screaming was how her days were spent.
Now this little girl she loved starving,
and in secret she took every pill.
This little girl she loved dancing,
dancing drunk drinking herself ill.
The little girl who cried murder was lonely,
so depressed and so discontent.
Do not get this wrong people like her,
But all her happiness has been spent.
This little girl thinks she's ugly,
she would be beautiful if she were thin.
she's to tall and big she cries to be tiny,
Going pale with a blade to her skin.
Now the girl who cried murder lost love.
Now she wishes she never fell in.
She tries and tries to get over it,
but she can't for see look where her heart has been.
Evil and horrid and putrid,
And murder and rape pain and love,
And hatred and blood loss and fainting.
with no more faith no more hope in above.
This little girl though of death smiling.
Murder murder she was left with their scream
Lost Spirit It's so cold up against this stone,
the only warmth I had was your evil soul~
It just breaks my heart~
To be so locked up, up against these walls~
I dream of being free once more~
But I don't know how to be free anymore~
I'm surrounded every where I go by these four walls~
I'm loosing my soul, I don't know what to do anymore~
Everything's fading away to gray, it's amazing to me that your eyes still gleam that devilish red- it sickens me down to the core, an I can't fight it anymore~
GravesDaddy, daddy, why are people oh so very cold
Why can't I have what they have, a teddy bear to hold
Something I can fall asleep on, somewhere i can stay
Some place where the roof above keeps us from skies so grey
Daddy, why can't we be one of those who have a home
Why were we the ones to walk the empty streets alone
Daddy, why won't anybody let us find a place
It is getting cold, I hate the look upon your face
Daddy, please don't fall upon the icy, frozen ground
Daddy, one day we will find a place, so safe and sound
Daddy, please don't die here, please, we'll find a place to stay
Daddy... please don't leave me here, just please don't die away.
Daddy, let me sit there as you know you can't be saved
Next to you as we both rest inside our lonely graves
Let us dream of somewhere warm and somewhere oh so sweet
Daddy, daddy, tell me.. why was everyone so mean?
SuicideTears in my eyes
As I look down
There's a long way down from here
I know it
I see it
Exactly as I know, I have no reason not to do it
Because no one will mind if I'm gone
Because no one cares
I'm trapped in this life
With my tattered soul
From red eyes of mine
A result of all my cries of pain
They fall down
The same long way down, as I'm going to fall
To hit the ground
I throw my head back
And let out a hysterical, manic, heartbreaking laugh
Oh, sweet ending
How I've longed for you
How I've longed for you to break my chains
My chains that hold me down here
How long I've longed for you to destroy the cage
The cage that holds me trapped
You have no idea of how long I've waited for you
I take a step
And yet another
I look down again
The grin still on my face
I close my eyes
As I lean forward
Let the gravity drag me down
The world flies around me
As I'm nearing the ground
Eyes still closed
Smile still on my face
There's no way back
It's the 'Point Of No Return'
Oasis of nothingSound is screaming all around
music blasting and laughter
in the next room
in the party I`ll never be in
but in this room
my own oasis
my only getaway
In this space
and filled with regret
there is no sound
it`s as if the rest of the world
can`t reach me
can`t ever find me
and never wants to.
Maybe TommorrowMaybe she'll notice me tomorrow.
Or maybe I'll stop waiting.
Maybe they'll prove that they actually care.
Or maybe I'll stop caring.
Maybe he'll forgive me tomorrow.
Or maybe I'll move on.
Maybe tomorrow I'll go through with it.
Or maybe not.
Maybe I'll decide to do nothing.
To stop worrying and pondering and hoping.
Maybe Tomorrow I'll...
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More